Perhaps it was the way we started our relationship off that set a unrealistic tone. Feeling sexy included dressing up to go clubbing in short tight clothes, having several drinks, and then acting on our animal instincts. It was fun and void of the responsibility and weight of a family. Once we were married and had our four kids no amount of liquor could bring back those days when we were free, young, and naïve. We were married with children.
I have always envied those women who seem to keep it altogether when they have children. They dress nice, maintain their careers, and develop themselves as women. I was a stay at home mom for many years and though I volunteered in the community and went back to college I let motherhood envelop me. I became a mom when I had no clue who I was as an adult. I followed the path of those before me without much thought. I never stopped to ask myself if this is how I wanted to raise kids. If this is how I wanted to live out being a woman.
My form fitting clothes were traded for sweats. My beautiful bouncy hair was replaced by a pony tail that I wore for, forever. There was no time to get fixed up. To my credit I can say that I wore make up and cheap perfume, but most days were consumed with unpleasant tasks like dirty diapers, colds, bills, and a mound of laundry. When my husband came home from work I was clean and groomed, but far from the hot club queen I once was.
There are ways to stay sexy and sensual when raising kids. With a little thought and effort we can ensure that we feel like a sensual woman and present ourselves as a sexy prize to our husband. Remember the kids will leave one day. You want to be sure you have something left when they do.
1. Develop who you are as a woman. This is key to intimacy. A woman who knows who she is, what she wants, and where she is going apart from anyone else is extremely attractive. So sure we might be knee deep in wiping noses, doing the dishes, and running kids around everywhere, but that is not an excuse for losing our identity as a woman. Who are you apart form everything, where do you want to go, and what do you want to do? Develop that and you will feel sexy and sensual.
2. Do those things that make you feel beautiful. What works for me might not work for you. Looking and feeling beautiful is personal. It’s not based on looking like others. Perhaps taking a hot bubble bath with candles, getting a manicure or pedicure, buying a new shirt, wearing attractive lingerie, getting your hair done, or using some new makeup. Anything that makes you feel attractive, like a woman.
3. Learn to enjoy the pleasure of it. My mom used to tell me to always “do it”. It was something I couldn’t keep from my husband. She was right, but her picture of the entire experience was lacking. The Song of Solomon paints a very clear picture of what sex between a husband and wife should look like. The language is erotic and stimulating. We were meant to enjoy this experience, savor it even. Instead of saying we did it we can say, “for your love is better than wine” (Song of Sol: 1:2). Intoxicating!
In marriage counseling couples never sat in front of me who were passionate for one another. I know the issues that get in the way of that. I have lived through them, but it’s no excuse for the passionless marriages that we all seem to have accepted as normal. Yeah we need to do that, but the kids. In all their wonder and joy they are not meant to rival the intimacy and love we have with our spouse. When they leave will your relationship be primed for a return to when it’s just you as a couple?
I remember the days of being so exhausted I could barely have a conversation with my husband let alone please him in any real way. I remember high temperatures, letting the kids sleep with us, bad dreams, stomach flu, new puppies that wouldn’t sleep, and late nights trying to get four kids to bed. I remember entering some sort of zone in life that I am just now returning from as the kids leave home. A zone where the days run into years without a thought and you get sucked up into the day to day of child raising. Then one day, when you don’t notice, they grow up and it’s time to say goodbye.
We need to make this part of our life a priority and treat it with the same care we would our children. We must stoke the fire of passion and enjoy the journey of becoming one with our spouse. The journey of intimacy that takes a life time to discover and understand. Diapers, cold, bills, & laundry….but first it’s time to get ready for us.
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