It’s Been A Year Since I Wanted to End It All

The news came. It was the morsel that caused my cup to overflow. Everything had already changed and now it was going to change again. I began to sink. I was barely keeping myself afloat when the news came of another major life change.

I was broken. I couldn’t take another change, and live through it.

A few days later I stood in front of the ocean. I stared out at the water as I had done so many times before looking for relief and hope. Instead of finding relief the water called my name. It tugged at my heart. The thought of being engulfed by the sea felt comforting.

The pain would stop. I wouldn’t have to face my grim future. The madness in my mind would cease and I would be able to stop the future suffering that I was preparing to endure.

Another change. I can’t take it.
More things to get used to. To deal with.
Distance.
Sadness.
Emptiness.

I was sitting down when the thought came into my mind. Walk in. Walk in and it all ends. Yes. Rest. I took a few steps. There was silence. The voice stopped speaking. I was on my own. Would I succumb? Then I heard “Not now, Marcy.” I knew I had to walk on. It wasn’t time. I wasn’t going to determine my days. God was. Walk on.

The next six months were a pathetic series of events that centered on my pain, their determination, and the conflict that developed between us. The change was coming. My grief wasn’t stopping anything. My behavior was damaging relationships. I was deep into myself and destroying the life around me.

Change was coming.
I walked on.

The change came. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I embraced it in the end. The suffering I put myself through out of fear and selfishness had grown old. I could no longer live in sadness. I couldn’t take another moment of being distraught. I needed true relief. To accept what I couldn’t change, trust God with my new future and strive to find a new life.

I walked on.

It has been a year since I considered ending it all. I am on a healing journey. I needed to be broken so that God could prepare me for what He still has in store for my life.

Pride needed destroyed so I could hear.
Over-reliance on myself needed broken.
Idolatry needed to be buried so I could serve Him.
Un-controlled change was needed to shift my priorities.
The situation was used to take off my blinders.

I walk on.

Things are starting to line out. A small peep hole has been opened and I can see brightness in the future. There are more answers than questions and I have some direction. I recognize I have no control over the future and that it will be filled with change.

The ocean no longer calls my name. I’ve heard a greater voice. A voice that says, walk on. I have ordained your days. Yes, Father I will walk with you. I know there is no where I can go where you will not be. I know that you use change for my good and your glory. Lord, let’s walk on.

Marcy Pedersen

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