I didn’t know I was thinking of him. Not at first. I’ve had male friends at work before so I didn’t think much about it. I’ve heard sermons on how to be careful not to get into inappropriate relationships with people outside of marriage. That’s all you need right? A good sermon.
I noticed something though. I noticed that he was on my mind when I woke up. When I went to bed. I noticed that he made my eyes light up. That I got that look when I saw him. That look I hadn’t had since I was single. The look that conveys interest and intent.
I noticed when I was in a lot of pain, and that was all the time, that I thought of him more. Then I understood. It wasn’t really him. It was the escape that he provided.
I talked to him because he talked back.
I talked to him because he smiled.
I talked to him because he showed interest in me as a woman and not because he felt like he should or because I was the kid’s mother.
I talked to him because we had common interests.
Because he looked nice. Took care of himself.
Because he went out of his way to see me.
Because of the way he looked at me that wasn’t happening at home.
Nothing happened. I don’t know if it ever would. If either of us could cross that line, but I thought of him.
Studying Scripture didn’t help. It takes too long. I wanted relief. Trusting and waiting on God wasn’t providing relief quick enough.
Prayer wasn’t helping that I could see. I could barely see the problem let alone pray about it. Was my sinful heart preventing God from hearing my prayers. I am not sure I cared. I thought of him.
Then I understood. I understood how he thought of her all those years ago. How she gave him relief from the pain. How she smiled, paid attention to him and provided him something I didn’t early in our marriage. So how can I think of him when I know what it can lead to and the damage that can happen from an affair?
The understanding of what it feels like to be betrayed is still alive in my heart. Even after 18 years it has not completely gone away. I understand and yet I thought of him. The wrong him.
I caught a glimpse of a car that looked like yours. I imagined what I would do if you drove up and asked me to go away with you. There are many moments that I would go. I then quickly think of the lives that we would ruin and the people we would have to face if we did. It would not be worth it. Right?
I thought of you. I know in my heart that my thoughts were simply an escape. My prayer is that God would help me be concerned about my thoughts. That He would give me a desire to please Him and that desire would control my thoughts. Not the desire for relief.
I pray God that this is one of those times commitment kicks in. When I make a choice to stay faithful to you and my husband. When my desire to serve you overpowers the disappointments that come with mid-life and empty nest. May Lord I think first and foremost about You and when I do I know I will no longer think of him.