This isn’t working. I am leaving. And he did.
He came back, but damage had been done by him and by me.
Trust was broken. Doubt had set in. The commitment and love for our children is all that kept us together for seven years.
A mid-life, career crisis, identity crisis, life change, more life change, more life change, fear, concern Christmas cocktail. Stress, stress, stress, pop! A fight. A big fight.
He walked out. Said he was done. He came right back but during the time it took him to drive around the block something different happened. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t sad, I was okay with it. Maybe I am done too.
We have four children, bought a home, grew and changed careers, seen loved ones pass away, cried, laughed, and shared in 26 years of marriage. Why do I feel so lifeless, so cold, so ready for it to be over?
A New Year.
Listening to a sermon this week I think I may have identified the problem which is important because we often seek the answer before we understand the problem.
“love is the overflow of joy in God that meets the needs of others.” John Piper
Let’s read that slowly. Love is, the overflow of joy, in God, that meets the needs of others.
The problem=an absence of joy in God.
The answer=obtain joy in God through the Scriptures, prayer and time spent with God.
I was void of that.
I remember being in the midst of the greatest trial of my life. I was having a bad day and called my pastor. He said, “Marcy, are you trying to do it on your own again?” Yes, yes I am. Thank you.
There is not one thing I could list right now that is a good enough reason to keep a marriage together when times get tough. We do not have what is needed to maintain a commitment, keep the love going, and love in order to meet the needs of others, but God does. He is the difference.
I have been trying to do it on my own again. I sat on the couch when he drove off and knew something was wrong. I felt nothing.
When my life is saturated with God love overflows. Love that comes from God never stops, and it is concerned with meeting the needs of others.
This will be a year to rebuild. Rebuild my connective-ness with God, and my husband. I am at the end of what I have to give, but God’s love never ends. It’s eternal. It’s time for Him to love and do so in a way that meeds the needs of my husband when I can’t, won’t or don’t want to.