I woke up on a clear and sunny beautiful Saturday morning. I made coffee, got the laundry started, the bills wrote out and met a friend to take care of some business for a local nonprofit. That moment was a milestone in my life marking healing from a layer of depression, and from my life the past few years.
My friend and I met to get the bank account straight for a nonprofit I helped start. Two years I ago I abandoned everything I was a part of due to a life and career crisis. I was going to meet my friend to finalize my separation from the organization, but then she said, “Would you like to stay on and help us?”
In that moment I said, yes, I am ready to do this. I am ready to get involved. Not a lot, but there has to be something that I can do. She smiled and said she would be in touch.
At that moment I realized, in part, how messed up I have been. Perhaps people have a reason to be worried about me. Did I actually cut off from life? I have a lot of healing to do. It’s like I am starting all over again. What happened to me?
After our meeting I went for a run at our local state park. I have always felt free there. Especially when I run. It’s as if I leave the entire world behind me when I run. It’s just me and the road. It’s there I enjoy the most intimate fellowship with God and His Son. I can hear the Holy Spirit speak in gentle ways and I can feel Their presence and see Their glory in Their beautiful creation.
Depression is Like a Pile of Laundry
Once I was at home the real task of the day was waiting for me. It was time to tackle that pile of blankets that has been growing for a few months. A few months, right? That pile hasn’t been there for a year, has it?
I remember throwing a few blankets in the basement floor thinking I would get to them. Then I threw a few more and a few more and before I knew it I had a mound of comforters and blankets that needed washed at the laundry mat. I will get to it soon.
The thing is that I can’t remember when I started the pile. I got used to it being there. Everyone had what they needed on their beds so the pile could wait. It grew and grew. I didn’t even know what was in that pile.
The pile waited for me. It was there, waiting, every time I went to the basement to do laundry. Remember, it would hail. Remember, what you aren’t getting done. I am busy, I would tell it. I have a lot going on. You can wait. It would whisper back as I went up the stairs. Remember.
Yesterday I loaded the pile of blankets into the back of the car. I was finally able to tackle them. Two hours later the pile was conquered. All the blankets in the house were washed, dried and ready for use. I now sit proudly adorned with one as I write this post.
I swept the basement this morning where the blanket pile existed. It was my way of sealing the success of conquering the pile and ensuring that the voices didn’t come back to haunt me. Remember, no, you remember, I conquered you.
My depression has been a lot like that pile of blankets. It started with a blanket or two, or an issue or two. It’s just a couple blankets. I will get to them soon. Life got more complicated and so I added a few more blankets to the pile. Before I knew it the pile became a part of my life and I didn’t even know when it started or what was in it.
It took three years to grow my pile of depression. The pile contains much more complicated things than blankets. It’s going to take some time to declutter and clean the pile in my life. Yet I have hope because I can see the pile now and can begin to clean it layer by layer.
God has a purpose for all this. For allowing the events in my life that caused me despair and for allowing me to get deep into depression. I see Him molding and shaping me through this. He is going to take a blanket at a time, place it gently in the washer and make it clean.
I am not ready for the rinse and spin cycle yet. For now we will take a layer at a time, restore that and then move forward. I know now that there is a lot of work to be done before I can clean my depression pile away, but I am thankful we have started with the first layer.
God is so good. His timing is so perfect. I know that one day soon He will clean the entire pile and wipe the floor clean, and until He does I will enjoy the cleansing, rejuvenation and look forward to what is in store in my life once I am rinsed clean.
This is all a part of Becoming Me,