My Affection for You, Starts In Him

I so want to write this with some type of poetic Christian language.  I want it to flow and make people feel like they are listening to a beautiful piece of music.  I want them read and feel like an orchestra is playing in the background.

I wish I could write with such eloquence that you would sway as I talked about my husband, our marriage, and my relationship with God.  I am not that talented of a writer, and my relationship with my husband and God looks more like a messed up roller coaster ride, instead of an eloquent sonnet.

The first part of our marriage was about having babies.

Getting jobs.

Buying stuff.

We got mad, I threw casserole dishes, and we made up and had more babies.

I really didn’t know God until we had our third child.  What a glorious mess.

We would be two years away from a major meltdown at that point.  Though we didn’t know it.  Oh I wish I had.  I could have changed and made things better before it got bad.

The meltdown came, you left, and then came back.  Things would never be the same again.  We were hurt, angry, and strangers.  Our children were our glue. That is the wrong type of glue.  It doesn’t stick for very long.

Once you were back everyone thought we were back to happily ever after.  We weren’t.  It was hard, it hurt, and it was a suffering.  7 years of suffering.  I prayed it would end, you would leave, or end up in jail.  Something had to happen to separate us.

But we went on.  A new house, more cars, kids getting older, and life.  We aged and matured.  We healed a little along the way.  We survived.

During those rough years Christ was my foundation and rock and because of that He fueled my affection and love for you when I had none.  This was the right kind of glue.

It was still imperfect.  It wasn’t the kind of relationship you read about in a magazine.  In the magazine article people give the amazing ending.  He was saved, all the children glorified in the work that God did, and praise God we serve in a marriage ministry.

No it hasn’t worked out like that, yet, has it?

Yet it’s working out as God would have it.  In exactly the way I would want it.

Oh you see I am a great sinner.  I seek my ways over my husbands way too often.  I get angry, and avoid sex.  I storm out when he purchases things I don’t like.  I am like a child.  I am a worrier and fearful and it wrecks our relationship way too often.  I have put the kids, my work, education and self over him way too many times.  That’s the reality of our marriage.

Praise God for grace.  Praise God for forgiveness, mercy, and His never ending strength.

My affection for you starts in Christ.  The more I savor and seek God the more I can love you.  The more I meditate on God’s Word the more I desire to meet your physical and emotional needs.  The more I pray for you the more I am cared for.  When this doesn’t happen neither do we.

Oh what a lovely mess our marriage has been.  What a blessing and what a joy.  I pray that one day we can serve God together, and that you will connect with our Lord, but until then it is my privilege and joy to call myself your wife.

I pray we have many more years on this roller coaster, and just maybe it will slow down a little, there will be a few less curves and drop offs, and more rolling hills.

To improve our marriage, we must increase our time with God, and cling to the tools He has provided for Christian living.

In need of His grace,

Marcy Pedersen

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