What if we fell in love again, or loved each other in new ways?
What if this second part of life is about us?
What would that look like, feel like?
What did it feel like before we had kids? I don’t think I remember.
I remember our wedding, and then having our first daughter. I remember looking for jobs, buying our first home, lay offs, money struggles, new jobs, buying a lot of stuff, more kids, and just a lot of life.
I remember diapers, colds, cooking lots of meals, wiping noses, time outs, coloring, walks, and the park. I remember sleepless nights, fights and trial.
I don’t remember us. All I remember is them. I don’t even remember me. Who am I apart from raising kids?
What if we fell in love again? What does that look like? I don’t now. This mid-life thing has changed everything that felt comfortable to me. It has changed our home, our relationship, my career, friends, and everyday schedule. Who are we, who am I, and where are we going?
To help me remember what it is like to live a life that isn’t all about raising kids I am reading The First Years of Forever by Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins. I have read Ed Wheat before and have learned a lot from him. I found this book in my pile of books that are waiting for me to read.
The short simple chapters are reminding me of the bible based design for marriage. The book encourages newlyweds to learn to love your spouse with agape love. Agape love is unconditional and does not depend on a person’s behavior. We can love others like this with God’s help and strength. This kind of love is what helps marriage last.
Through our trials and the years we have done okay with this type of love. Yet at this time of our life we need to remember the first type of love. That feeling of belonging love that people who fall in love feel. Belonging love is what we experience when our relationship starts, that exciting part of the relationship, and something we need to experience again.
I want to love you again. In that exciting new way we loved each other when we met. God is changing me to help this happen. I hope that you understand how hard that is, and how thankful I am for it. God is shifting my priorities, and lining them up with you.
He is cutting off relationships when they aren’t healthy for us, or take my devotion away from you. This is hard. I want to cry because I am so used to the way things were before. I am used to being closer to the kids then I was with you. I am used to them calling me first. To sharing in their lives on a daily basis. Yet God is changing that in very direct and swift ways.
Please be patient with me when I fight my emotions. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just hard when God changes your heart. I know it’s good for me. I know that our relationship is going to become the priority it should be. I know that one day soon we will have a new life all are own. A life after raising kids. A good life.
God is faithful to give us what we need. I have prayed for the past three years that God would help me. I can’t Lord. I can’t navigate this life and career change. I don’t know how to live when my son leaves home, when my daughter gets married. I can’t do this.
At the same time I entered a career transition. One of which I have no energy or desire for. God I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. Every time I try a new path I am shut down. What are you doing? Lord I have applied at the jobs I want for over a year and a half, and yet am stuck in the one I don’t want. Please show me what in the world I am to do.
God is giving me what I need. He is doing that by shifting my priorities, and lining up our hearts to want the same things. If God is so concerned with our marriage, I am sure He is as concerned with our kids, and my career.
I pray Lord you are glorified, and that you help get through this each and everyday.