Am I Going Crazy? Mid-Life Madness

Well it hit me about 3 years ago but I was too busy to see it.  The changes started.

One child gets married, one leaves for boot camp, I changed churches, another child graduates high school, now a career transition, no job, new job, mean while the youngest one keeps getting older and will somehow be graduating high school in two years?  Ahhh!

How did we get here?  I remember thinking that the diaper stage was going to kill me.  I mean we couldn’t afford the kids we had, and then we had two in diapers at a time.  I remember thinking that I would never get to take a shower before noon, have a reason to put make-up on and do my hair.  Sweats were like my business suit.

And now.  Now I look at my husband and realize we are quickly heading back to where we started.  Alone.  I don’t know whether to be excited or scared.  I mean we love each other but we have done nothing but work and raise kids for 26 years.  Now what do we do?

Everyone keeps saying that I am going through a lot.  I guess I am.  Women who are older then me just look at me with wise eyes and an understanding of what I am going through.  Which is nice, but how does that help me!  Sorry.  Breath slowly Marcy.

One minute I am crying because they are leaving home and I no longer have control.  The next minute I am telling our youngest son to throw in a frozen pizza for dinner?  What happened to the stay at home mom that I was?  Or the mom I was when I ran home from work and got my Martha Stewart on?  Can’t we just eat cereal?

Today I came home and realized that I put the broken coffee pot out on the porch as a way to remember to take it out front for trash day.  Well it never made it.  It’s still sitting there and I am not even sure that I care.

I am caught between two worlds.  One world says hold on to the life the you had raising children.  The other world says this is your life now, do what you want.  I am somewhere in between.  I am not ready to completely let go, but I am not ready to do what I want.  In fact I am lost.  I am not sure what I even like doing.  I mean for years the biggest treat in my life was going to the bathroom alone.  Is there more to life than that?

So now what.  So now I am trying to navigate a mid-life crisis and prepare for empty nest.  I am starting by trying to figure out who I am as a woman, who God wants me to be at this point in my life, and what in the world do I even like doing.

No one warned me that this was coming, and perhaps they were right not to.  I wouldn’t have understood anyway.  I would have said that I knew the kids needed to grow up, and that I was going to be ready when they did.  Though my mind agrees with that statement, my heart does not.

Thank you God for the amazing opportunity to be a mother, now I beg you to help me figure out how to be a woman, and concentrate on being a wife.

Marcy Pedersen

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