Well it hit me about 3 years ago but I was too busy to see it. The changes started.
One child gets married, one leaves for boot camp, I changed churches, another child graduates high school, now a career transition, no job, new job, mean while the youngest one keeps getting older and will somehow be graduating high school in two years? Ahhh!
How did we get here? I remember thinking that the diaper stage was going to kill me. I mean we couldn’t afford the kids we had, and then we had two in diapers at a time. I remember thinking that I would never get to take a shower before noon, have a reason to put make-up on and do my hair. Sweats were like my business suit.
And now. Now I look at my husband and realize we are quickly heading back to where we started. Alone. I don’t know whether to be excited or scared. I mean we love each other but we have done nothing but work and raise kids for 26 years. Now what do we do?
Everyone keeps saying that I am going through a lot. I guess I am. Women who are older then me just look at me with wise eyes and an understanding of what I am going through. Which is nice, but how does that help me! Sorry. Breath slowly Marcy.
One minute I am crying because they are leaving home and I no longer have control. The next minute I am telling our youngest son to throw in a frozen pizza for dinner? What happened to the stay at home mom that I was? Or the mom I was when I ran home from work and got my Martha Stewart on? Can’t we just eat cereal?
Today I came home and realized that I put the broken coffee pot out on the porch as a way to remember to take it out front for trash day. Well it never made it. It’s still sitting there and I am not even sure that I care.
I am caught between two worlds. One world says hold on to the life the you had raising children. The other world says this is your life now, do what you want. I am somewhere in between. I am not ready to completely let go, but I am not ready to do what I want. In fact I am lost. I am not sure what I even like doing. I mean for years the biggest treat in my life was going to the bathroom alone. Is there more to life than that?
So now what. So now I am trying to navigate a mid-life crisis and prepare for empty nest. I am starting by trying to figure out who I am as a woman, who God wants me to be at this point in my life, and what in the world do I even like doing.
No one warned me that this was coming, and perhaps they were right not to. I wouldn’t have understood anyway. I would have said that I knew the kids needed to grow up, and that I was going to be ready when they did. Though my mind agrees with that statement, my heart does not.
Thank you God for the amazing opportunity to be a mother, now I beg you to help me figure out how to be a woman, and concentrate on being a wife.